


power and control

by hiatuskid



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Body Dysmorphia, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Hatred, Bulimia, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, Gen, Nostalgia, Sad Josh Dun, Vomit, deeply rooted self hatred, ed josh, in which josh is me, secret keeping, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 15:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19771342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiatuskid/pseuds/hiatuskid
Summary: josh just feels out of control.





	power and control

**Author's Note:**

> i write this whole camping sorry it sucks we gotta work on that luv xx

josh just feels out of control.

well, not exactly. if anything he feels very in control - he’s safe, he knows what he’s doing and he has this amazing power over his body. he knows what he’s doing and he’s changing his body so it gets better and it’s fine.

but there are times when he feels like he’s completely spiraled out of control. like when he’s trying to throw up in a walmart bathroom after he had eaten dinner at smashburger, and had already thrown up some there, but he couldn’t finish because it was a single person restroom and there was a little boy crying to his dad about something outside the door and it would’ve been selfish for him to take it up any longer.

or when he’s camping with his family, and after eating three s’mores (not even a binge - he managed to stop before it got out of hand) he chugged some water and found himself puking as much up as he could (chocolate is extremely bitter coming back up, for the record) in one of the two campground showers - then lifting the mats on the floor to shove it all down the drain (the mats were covered in dirt, grime and disgusting balls of hair on the bottom). he still took a laxative when he got back just be be sure.

or when he was just 13, right when his eating disorder started. in the peak of absolute numbness and suicidality to the point where he almost felt as if he didn’t exist, his stepdad’s parents had paid for his family to come to florida with him - his first, and for as much he knew, only - trip to florida.

all he remembers is covering his scars and struggling to eat family dinners and just being so so numb, and instead of watching his adorable three year old sister play on an indoor jungle gym in the hotel while his parents were out he was on proana websites looking up how to purge and then locking himself in the bathroom and trying to throw up for one of the first times.

josh hasn’t lived in awhile. he’s fallen blind to his disease and truly hopes it’s not too late to take control again - but he doesn’t know.


End file.
